Soethest

I WOULD LIKE TO TALK ABOUT SOCIAL MEDIA. Wow, didn’t realise I had caps lock on there but I think I’ll leave it because I really would like to stress the point of talking about  it.

Are people honest online? I think so, I think people are more honest online than they would be if you met them in the street. If you read my last post (LOL JK no one did), you know that I believe strongly in mass anxiety due to many different situations and scenarios that come up in every persons day to day life. Now… a computer, a keyboard and  the comfort of your own home take away all vulnerability, so really you can actually fully be yourself. I show a certain confidence online that doesn’t exist in real life.

This is why I haven’t stopped online dating. If I have the ability to show that confidence straight up in messages, it does make it easier for me to portray that in a real situation when that person isn’t a complete stranger to me.

Filtering. we all do it. We all show the best of ourselves in every situation. The kind of person that chooses a horrible photo of themselves as a Facebook profile because they ‘don’t give no fucks’ gives a fuck load more fucks than the fucks that you don’t give. It is a way to show they don’t care if you think they are ugly before you even get to think it. It is defensive and that behaviour will com across in more of their personality traits if you were to spend elongated periods of time with them. I avoid these people and I would suggest you give them as a wide a birth as you should give anal bleaching, taking a child that isn’t yours to the playground and all forms of ‘cronut’.

 

 

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terrytibbstalktome

This morning I applied to be a prison officer but in truth I know it’s not the career for me. Oh yeah, great shout Anna, do something that is destructive because things are actually going well… No no no, that’s not why I did/ am doing it. I applied because it is of interest to me but it is also a massive challenge.

I went to my first crossfit class last night and it took a lot out of me to even get out of the car, let alone learn new moves in front of people that were more than capable of taking me down in front of large crowd. I honestly do think everyone has anxiety issues, every single person, even you Tezza with the crew cut. People act mostly out of fear, they do positive things because they are scared of the negative outcome if they don’t and people do negative things because of the fear that something equally negative or worse will happen if they don’t.

This is a huge generalisation but if I have learnt anything from dating apps it is that actually people are all the same, the amount of people that send me the same message because they think it is the right one to make me respond. When, in reality its the fourth time I’ve heard it just that day. Now I’m not saying they are wrong it just proves that when the nit and grit are coming out we are all just the same basic bitches looking for easy solutions to being ‘happy’ and feeling fulfilled and worthy.

You think you are lonely…. find a girlfriend, right? *in the style of Dr. Evil* “how ’bout no”.

Now I just have one opinion, lend an ear, listen, or don’t. You cannot control your own happiness. Shock horror and controversy. I have been regularly told throughout my life to create my own happiness, to not let other people take affect over my emotions and to make myself happy in order to do the same for others. This is just not fekkin for trues and we all know it. You don’t have to love yourself to love someone else. You don’t have to be at peace with who you are to fully accept who someone else truly is. What you do have to do is realise that people can teach you things and sometimes those things are exactly what you do not want to know.

But… occasionally, and just occasionally, they can be brilliant.

 

Your name is Luke, yes?

Just recently I’ve noticed a shift in my ability to see the good in any situation and I’m going to give myself a break about it. Shitty things do happen, they happen to me, they happen to you and they happen the Judith down the street. It does get you down and occasionally I find myself asking what is the point?

But then a friend tells you that the boy you liked is a fuckwit and you believe them a little bit. Your sister tells you that you are worth more than that and would never let anyone you know go through that feeling alone and neither should you and you believe her a little bit. Your mum tells you that the boy was a fleeting experience that taught you something about what you don’t want and you believe her a little bit. Then you tell yourself that you are okay and that whatever their reactions to your situation were, are their own problems to work out and should never have been put on you. And you believe yourself entirely.

At the end of the day all the advice in the world can’t stop you from feeling like dog shit that got stuck on the bottom of a car tyre and you’re just getting slammed into the ground over and over. You do take it onboard but it won’t sink in until you are willing to accept what has happened and stopping wishing it to change. It won’t and that is the bit that gets ya… gets ya right in the giblets of your soul. I mean, if I had a soul, I imagine that’s where it would get me.  Because in all honesty dealing with other people is fucking difficult, it a strain to deal with your own at the best of times, how on Satan’s unholy earth can you deal with someone else’s?

I’m back at work and I have welcomed the distraction. After work I’m pushing myself further into fitness by taking up crossfit and I am terrified. I used to love being outside of my comfort zone and now I really have to make myself do these things. Why is it that I have slipped back into bad mental habits in the last few weeks?

 

Taking time to type

Taking the time for myself seems so self indulgent, it seems newagey and frankly really fucking wankey hipster. But I have been called hipster recently, by a few people. Should I be offended, because I’m not.

I never tried to be cool, I only ever wanted to do things that I actually like, eat what I actually like and dress in a way that made me happy. This isn’t because I was rebellious, it wasn’t because I wanted anyone to follow my lead in this. I guess it just never bothered me that I didn’t dress like everyone else.

Now apparently that’s cool? Don’t get me wrong, there are many days where I dress just like everyone else. I don’t swing about in parachute pants, I don’t wear a crystal dangling from each nipple, I just know what I like and I know what I don’t.

People seem to take a while to realise that happiness lies in just being who you really are without the pressure of making people want to be like you, to make sense of the whole thing.

My mum is one of those people, she always wanted to make sure that she was liked. For what she wore, for how she spoke, for the way she looked inside of herself and out. That makes me so sad, for her and for myself to had to have grown up with that as my social influence into being a girl. That is honestly all I ever knew, its all I based my teen years on and it did me no favours whatsoever.

I certainly don’t blame her for it, it’s how she felt comfort and its how she gets the most out of feeling confident and most like herself. But, it was never for me.

There really is no point to any of this, I just wanted to prove that I could type without looking at the keyboard. All of the above is true.

Essky

Dating with an illness. Yeah, you could say this is hard but isn’t just dating in general one of the most time consuming, painful things you can do. You learn too much about yourself in a small amount of time because you have to be honest with that person which in turn makes you honest with yourself. Are you happy? Like, really happy, or just content?

I am none of the above right now, the words are spilling out of me because I can’t run, I run when something is wrong.  Physically, I run, I need to move and I need to fix something by getting far away from it. That thing is in my head and I can’t run from that ever, I can’t change what is going on. I am manic as fuck and I can’t stop, stop the thoughts, stop the rage, stop the anger. I am sad, why? Why am I sad about something and someone that was only recently a stranger?

Let him come to me, he said he doesn’t play games but isn’t that what I have to do now? Just because he isn’t talking to me doesn’t mean he is done? Should I ask? Do I leave it?

I have the urge to fix everything immediately and sometimes that can’t be done. Maybe she was right, I am needy. I don’t want to be. I never was before, so why now?

I have so much to say and no one to say it to.

Holy fuck, how many of you feel like that right now? I wasn’t to escape and escape is not an option. Why can’t I process this, normally. Can I?

I will never be free of this, I blame the illness but what if it is solely me? That is a horrible terrifying thought that I cannot and will not entertain because that is a bad path. I know it is, it’s dangerous and it’s not okay to let myself go to that place.

He is human. He is human. He does feel, trust that.

Hitchcock film…

There is no straight answer as to why my orientation has changed. Get it. *smug grin for witty obvious pun*. He has a point to worry that I do feel more strongly towards women then I do men. As I tried to explain, it is more about personality for me, if you look good I will look… but it’s the personality that really grabs my attention. The entirety of my family seem to think that a physical attraction comes as a majority from someones looks, this has never been the case for me.

I am currently dating someone, I’m craving him to want me more than I want him whilst also fooling myself that I don’t want him as much as I really do. My brain is garbage and must be binned immediately. I know at the end of this I will hurt, maybe not myself, but him and also yes, maybe myself.

It’s not like I can control what happens in my dropped omelette like brain, I can’t decide a definite path for myself and therefore for anyone that comes into my life they just have to go with it. For reals, I ain’t doing it on purpose! I swear to females Jebus….

 

 

Coke & wine

What do people mean when they say, are you over it? Do they mean, do I still love her? because yes I do… do I still want to be with her? A part of me yes, but I also know this isn’t good or right… do I miss her? Everyday… Do I see a future with her? No, I don’t.

I find myself asking people who the most influential person in their life is, purely because she completely changed my life. I have never believed in fate and strongly think that I never will but this has been my first sign that maybe people aren’t completely void of intellectual grace if they do. I do think she was supposed to be a part of my life for a reason and that reason has gone now. She was only temporary, much like a casual job or a transfer tattoo. A thing to be enjoyed for a small while. I was never allowed to keep her.

 

Can I get mad for a minute? I feel like I’ve not been allowed to do that in this whole process… like I’m an emotional skimming stone that you can throw into the ocean but I’m not allowed to sink. I just have to keep skipping along. SHE WAS AWFUL. I love her. SHE DIDN’T TREAT ME HOW SHE SHOULD HAVE. It wasn’t her fault, she is only human too. SHE ASKED TOO MUCH OF ME. I asked too much of her at times.

I can’t give anyone, including myself the real answer to that question because its a sliding scale of mostly fine to what the fuck have I done she was the best thing that happened to me.

I’m now dating a guy. Do I like him? He makes me laugh and I’m not bored. Thats the most honest answer I have. I told you once and I’ll tell you again, there is no judgement in these waters humans. He’s not the kind of human I will marry, his immaturity has a huge affect on that thought process all be it 10 days into what could potentially develop. Am I clinging onto something and making more of what it is? Absolutely.

I am happy, I’ll do what makes me happy until it doesn’t make me happy anymore.